i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
