her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
