I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I need to wash the frat house off of me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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