I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize