I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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