I can tuck mytits in my pants
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
