Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
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