I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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