2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you guys were way drunker than both of me
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
