Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
40s are totally the cure
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
