Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
