In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
All the doctor said was why
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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