i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
