I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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