Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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