She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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