Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize