I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
