Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
