When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
