when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
