I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize