i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
