I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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