I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
