why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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