So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
