the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
