so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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