did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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