i will never coherently bang her
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
