Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
