Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
