Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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