update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
