so explain again why im purple
no
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
