You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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