I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
