i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
