Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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