just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She bit a glass in half.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
