just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Let's paint friendship bongs
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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