I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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