i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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