I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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