wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
