You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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