just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
