I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
