Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
