We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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