Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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