the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
