Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
