I only kidnapped one of them. chill
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
