Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
