it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
