I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
