id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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