we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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