Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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