i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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