im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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