Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
