omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
